I live with my girlfriend of 6+ years. Here’s a little background. She has three kids, ages 24 male, 21 female, and 17 male. The 24 year old lost his part time job about 2 years ago, started working a part time ,3 hours a night, job about a year ago. He just recently found a better job that is closer to full time,35 to 40 hours a week. The 21 year old got married and moved out about a year ago. She recently, 2 weeks ago, moved back in untill her husband gets back from his time in the Navy, sometime next summer. The 24 year old has never paid anything towards household expenses. The 21 year old has offered to help, but so far has only pitched in towards coffee and soda. The 17 year old occasionally says he will find a job when it is mentioned to him, but hasn’t shown any real inclination to do so. My girlfriend works 24 hours a week at a sandwich delivery job and gets a survivor benefit check  (her husband died 8 years ago) for the 17 year old. Its $825 a month and will be running out when the youngest turns 18 this spring. I work full time + occasional overtime as a cook for a state care facility and make $13.25 an hour. The plan is for the 2 oldest to move out, possibly together,  before this S.S.money runs out. When her husband gets back they are going to get their own place and leave her brother to find a place of his own or keep the one they are supposedly going to rent together.I have asked her to ask the 2 oldest to contribute $200 a month each untill this happens.  She has told them she wants them to contribute $100 per month each. Her logic is that this will enable them to save more and move out quicker. I don’t have much say in this. They are her kids, apparently I’m just supposed to help pay the bills, buy groceries and and keep my mouth shut. None of these kids has ever followed through with anything in their lives. The oldest 2 did graduate from high school, but even though their deceased grandmother left them enough money to go to college, they show no interest in doing so. Well, that isn’t entirely true. The 21 year old signed up for beauty school a couple years ago. She has been forced out of the original school because of poor attendance. Apparently she is eligible to continue her classes with another school, but she hasn’t taken any steps to do so. Sometimes I wonder why I am here. The fact of the matter is I really do love my girl friend. I am a recovering alcoholic/ addict and she was always there for me when I needed her support, financially and emotionally. I have been clean and sober for three years now. I move in after my last stint at rehab. (110 days) This was three years ago. I have watched the household income on her end steadily decrease by her losing the SS benefits for the 21 year old  and losing a  32 hour a week position and going to a lower paying job with fewer hours. I had initially told her she didn’t need to work full time.In the mean time, I have gotten 2 promotions. We have agreed that she will have to find a full time job soon. She is going to have to make up for the missing $825 check with her new job. I cannot continue to work the overtime time I do. I’m 51, and I’m tired. I have a problem that I’m not sure how to address. Right around the time that the SS check stops,I will be done paying an attorney $350 a month. I was hoping to either put that money into my retirement account, or use some of it for monthly payments on a newer car, or some of both. I feel that everytime something negative happens to her income level, I am the one that picks up the slack. I never complained about this before, but I am really starting to feel resentful about this. I have already taken out a $10,000 bank loan and bought an  car for her. I make the payments. She isn’t able to get one on her own. I also pay for the auto insurance on both of our vehicles, buy the majority ofthe groceries and give her money towards the other bills.Hopefully this situation will improve after the 2 oldest move out, if they ever do. In the mean time I guess I just have to put up with it.

The Begining..

             I’m not even sure what to write about. There has been so much going on in my life over the last few years I’m not sure where to start. I guess a good place would be my alcoholism , substance abuse and cocaine addiction, since they have influenced so much of my behavior in the past.

I liked getting drunk the first time I drank. I liked speed, weed, cocaine, quaaludes, acid, morphine,  smack, (smack not so much) mushrooms and pretty much every other drug I tried the first time I tried them, and I started VERY young.  All except for PCP. I really didn’t like the way that crap made me feel.

Weed, whites, cocaine and rum became my almost constant running mates. I was known for my ability to consume monstrous quantities of all of them simultaneously and still function. I made sure I was always around people who shared my interests, and could always find me my supplies. After a while, and pretty much inevitably, I started to deal. I was never very successful at this since I had a huge appetite for my own product line, but It kept me in drugs and cash for quite a while.

This life was fast paced and I LIKED IT. I liked my friends, I liked the bars, I liked the parties, I liked the money and I LOVED THE DRUGS AND THE BOOZE. I liked the attention and the notoriety it got me. It got me the reputation of being a bad ass that you didn’t want to fuck with and I REALLY liked that. I was hanging with the hard asses and I fit right in.

I managed to keep this shit up for a surprisingly long time, around thirty years, before everything started to go south. People around me were getting busted and/or dying, I was drinking and using so much that my health was going to shit.  My finances were so screwed up I lost 2 apartments and my Mom’s house that she left to me and my sister. I did make sure my sister got her share of the money from the house though. That was about the only fucking thing I did right.

After a couple of half-assed suicide attempts, I ended up in the hospital (a couple of times, thanks V.A.) and took two trips through their rehab program before I finally got my shit together on November 17th, 2010. Since I’ve sobered up, which I couldn’t have done without the love of my life, my sweetheart Wendi, I’ve managed to get and keep a real job, and I’m starting to straighten out my screwed up finances. (and man are they fucked up!)

All of these improvements have come about slowly, none of them have happened overnight.  But then again, I had over thirty years to fuck them up, so what do I expect, right?

I guess what I am trying to say is that no matter how bad my life had become, and no matter how bleak my situation looked, I knew that I had let it happen, and only I could make it better. I accepted the help that was offered to me, I stuck with it, and my life has improved immensely.

Don’t let addiction win. There is help available. You have to find it and use it. It’s not going to come looking for you. Make your life livable again. Regain your self respect. Do it for yourself.

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